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Apr. 18th, 2010

over it..

if my parents want to be stupid... let them.  I mean, the least they can do is stop having philosophical discussions about love and shit and COMPLETELY ruin love stories for me.  I mean, really?  Must that be part of it?

Anyways...  I am starting to question the existence of love.  Can we really not love or is it just something people do to make them feel better about themselves?  Now that I think about it, love songs are just words spoken either long-winded, or shortened, accented or drowned out by clashing drums and loud strings.

People really need to stop finding themselves stuck on songs with messages in them.  The messages only last just as long as a relationship lasts on love... two or three weeks?  Days?  Seconds?  I really want to know just when their love withers away into lust.  Please... tell me... I want to know.


I've noticed my parents are back together.  I know I should be happy for them, but now that I look at it, they feel so phony... all they do is fight and get over it... shit, but do they have to get us into it?

I wish someone cared to listen... I feel like I'm trying to fool myself... I made this stupid thing because I'm supposed to keep in contact with friends... The problem is... I don't even talk to them anymore... they won't even text me back... shoot... Is it my fault?

Apr. 16th, 2010

Pedi, Mani, Flakey?

Now that it is coming even closer to prom, I figured something out... I hate flakes... Sure... they are my best friends, but really?  I mean, when you say you are going to do something... Fucking DO IT!!  I think its a waste for us who wanna go all out onn things for a special night, and buy extra stuff for this night, that you should do your part and follow through so I'm not super stressed out!  This isn't my effing deal!  It's YOURS!

Apr. 14th, 2010

Photo I

I am here in my photo I class... developing film... sitting next to miss Felicia Ong reading what the paper wrote about the school play using her pictures...

Soo... I finished my prom contract signatures... Are you excited?  I think I kinda am... I figured out what I kinda want to do with my hair.  Auntie Suzie and Mommy are trying so hard to show up at the Hayes Mansion Bar while we are partying in the Ballroom.  I think its utterly ridiculous, but they think it will be fun.

Apparently... I being dateless has its pay-offs:
  1. I don't have to deal with prom dates who are total flakes
  2. I don't have to worry about matching my date
  3. I don't have to worry about my date pissing me off
  4. I don't have to worry about him "looking" at other girls
I'm not trying to be a debbie downer or anything... I am trying to see things through optimistic eyes.  I can't wait to get to the dance floor... forget about what I look like, forget about who is going... there is just something about dancing I love even if I deny it so.

So, I am trying so hard to keep up in math, but I am falling behind and feel like I am the stupid one in the class... It kinda sucks, but hopefully the test won't be that terrible, seeing how I failed all the tests so far... shitttzzzzz

Apr. 13th, 2010

Le Petit Prince

Je me croyais riche d'une fleur unique, et je ne possède qu'une rose ordinaaire.  Ça et mes trois volcans qui m'arrivent au genou, et dont l'un, peut-étre, est éteint pour toujours, ça ne fait pas de moi un bien grand prince...

So basically... I won't have enough time to do this at home, so I am going to do this at school.  Yesterday, while reading Le Petite Prince, I read this passage about believing what you thought was so unique was really only just like everything else... right now, that's how I feel about the relationship between my parents... See I always believed my parents were truly something... special in their relationship because they never gave up the thunder.  The thing is, it seems like 14 is their unlucky number because all they do is fight and argue and ask us what we think about divorce.

Do I have a right to believe that change happens to the best of us?  Is it really change or had the magic suddenly faded at the realization that Magic is just as fake as everyone really said it was.  *sigh*... I just thought I might throw that out there.  Peace.

Apr. 12th, 2010

Back to school...

I guess you can say it was great... I mean, I missed my friends and all, but all I really did was wish I had more time to write.  I feel so stupid in all my classes.  It is like there is a part of me that wants to jump into my skin and live a fairytale life... who doesn't want to do that?

Here's something new, apparently there are a whole ton of middle school kids who are super scared of me or something because half of them left the wrestling room as soon as I started coaching again.  Hahaha!  I guess Daddy was right,  I need to find a nice voice, but they need to find a way onto my good list.  Here are the keepers:
  1. Keith
  2. Joel
  3. Hugo
  4. Mariah
  5. Chris
Though Chris is a maybe... he should be on the almost list:
  • Chris
I really wish the football coaches weren't such stiffs about their players trying out wresting.  I would be a lot happier and a lot less bitter if more guys joined our team.  In fact, I might have faith in myself with a bigger team, even if our small team was super close to each other.  Anyways, I just wanted to put that out there.

I was thinkking... I want to start a thread or something with this newly edited-off-the-old story I'm putting together.  See, I haven't gotten the storyline complete, but if I put something up day by day, I might at least keep up to my hope of creatively writing every day, because for sure, I want to get my slams up here, even if they aren't that great.  Yaddamean?  Yaddamsaying?  The only thing is, they say you aren't supposed to put total explicit stuff in here... and I have a thing for gorno :P.  I believe writing is a "Responsible Freedom" that I should "Speak my Word" even if the word is harsh and blunt.  Then again, I'm not a great writer... I think I'll be a great writer once I can truly write a sex scene and make the audience feel uncomfortably in it.  hahaha...

Kaitlyn girl... if you're still writing out there... tell me whacha think about that :D I wanna read more of your stuff too!

Apr. 11th, 2010

The Princess and the Frog... and me

As always, I find it easy to relate to these cartoons
1) I am not a princess, and I sure as hell KNOW I won't ever be one
2) Hey... I really dig guys with accents, ya know?
3) I wish upon stars
4) I really know how to cook, whether or not anyone believes me, I find it pretty de-stressifying
5) I believe there is really someone out there for me
6) I really believe there is someone out there who believes in me
7) I am superstitious and believe in that voodoo and curses and stuff

It all seems really random, but I feel like there is a message inside the message for me... chasing dreams drives you to finding true love, doesn't it?  But what if I don't know what the heck I want to dream?  What if my road leads to a dead end and there really isn't anything I can do about it?

Maybe that's why I write so gosh darn much, huh?  It's like, I find everything here in reality impossible, almost confusing, but then when I write, I can put my dreams in between empty lines, creating my own message "in between the lines".  Hmm... that makes me think, what will I do with my life?  I sure as hell don't want to be a writer.  I don't know why.  I just don't want to turn something I love doing into a profession.

My sister keeps saying that she's going to take everything I write and publish it for me... HA!  She sure as hell isn't going to get rich doing that.

Oh... if anyone's wondering about my emo posts... It's just that the parentals are going über psycho on eat other... I don't think it's going well because they hadn't said a THING to each other in over a week and a half.  Sure, it doesn't sound like a lot, but imagine going 16 years of having dinner at the same table, talking and laughing with everyone in the same seats and having a good time, and then sitting at the table with your brother and sister and your parents screaming at each other in the bedroom... Sure it sucks... sucks big time, but I realized that night that I could manage my brother and sister when they are doing their do.  I mean, I made them dinner, got them to shower and clean up the place and even had them in bed by 10.

I suppose this Easter break was really something.  Friday, didn't do much... Kricket came over and it was really awesome.  We got to talk a lot about things we haven't been able to in a long time.  Saturday, we went to Barnes and Noble and I bought an incredible book (hush, hush) and I really think you should read it if you like biblical conspiracies and stuff like that.  Sunday, the first Easter... in fact, the first Holy Week, we didn't go to church once... I think that really killed my spirit a bit.  I mean in France, I went to the Church on Montmartre for Christ's Sake!  Monday, lazy on the couch.  Tuesday, depressed on the couch again, but then I took the pups to the Softball field for a long run.  Lauren came over and we were all chilling at home while Mariah was at practice.  We watched a movie when Mommy got home, and that was cool.  Wednesday, we totally passed out on the couch again, but this time I was able to get some writing time in.  I mean, I honestly didn't get anything done.  Thursday, we hiked up mission peak (minus Mommy), and I "made love to the trail" three times going down... consecutively... in between two steps... pretty funny... until you look at all the cuts on the side of my leg up to my thigh ^_^... I also got wind-burn.  Friday, we went Sailing with papa.  I got wind burn on top of the wind burn from Friday... then got sunburned... and then wind-burned on the way back... My back is pretty black, but we spent almost an hour petting sharks on the other side of the dock.  They say they were hungry... I say they were friendly.  In fact, Lauren said the shark let her "go all the way" ^_^.  What a day! :D Johnny Cash and a Granola stash helped us sail back home ^_^.  Saturday, I had off-and-on head aches from Allergies.  Daddy went to Judo without us, and we hung out with Mommy.  I dropped her off at a bachelorette party, and came back home.  It was pretty cool.  Then today, no church, woke up to having to wash the dog rug in the cold and rain, and then helping put back the dog fence with numb fingers.  Off to Uncle Chuey's house for Papa and Auntie Christina's dinner thing where we watched the Princess and the Frog... GREAT movie! :D

Since I'm talking about the break... Mr. Silvernale, US History Teacher told us in order to have a great break we have to list everything we want to get done, and then don't get any of it done, look back, and remember how great your break was.  Here's my list:
  • Get cracking on the AP English Notes for "Catcher in the Rye"
  • Finish up that AP English Essay due Friday
  • Shoot 2 rolls of film for natural and artificial light
  • Review "Le Petit Prince"
  • Finish my Test Corrections for Algebra 2/Trig Contract
  • Finish my Algebra 2/Trig Homework & Study Guide
  • Dance
  • Teach myself more songs on the Keyboard
  • Work Out
  • Write... write... write...
  • Sleep
And this is the list of the things I did do:
  1. Haha!  Didn't even think of homework
  2. Shot 1 roll, some how screwed up the other one
  3. Got the Le Petit Prince book
  4. Definitely only choreographed half a song
  5. Looked at my keyboard before falling asleep peacefully for the first time in YEARS
  6. Thought about working out and just baked a triple chocolate devil's cake instead
  7. Wrote a tiny bit, but then imagined ideas that didn't make sense
  8. Dreamed... weird dreams... ever stinking day of break... last night was the WEIRDEST dream I've ever had though... still thinking about it now... I hope no one can read minds because they might think I am psycho for dreaming this one up

So I guess... I DID have a great break, even if I was lazy most the time.  I think that was the best part, being lazy.  I know its a sin and all, sloth, but I mean, I haven't had a lazy day to myself since.... shiet... before before wrestling season... before the summer... in between my decision to stop dancing and actually write.  God.  Sometimes that just kills me, when I look back and think of how great of a dancer I thought I was, and then facing the reality that I definitely wasn't THAT great...

I shall end this on a really great note: I am in love.
The only thing is....
I know know who he is *sigh*

Apr. 5th, 2010

What is love?

I don't think I understand it anymore... Is love and influence of the heart or of the conscience? Does it last or will it whither away with time? I honestly don't think I believe in it much anymore... Not because I think my parents don't anymore, but because I've never been given a reason to believe in it... I've only been psyched out a few times... That's all I have to say about that

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Mar. 11th, 2010


Prom. Prom. Prom.... NO! JUNIOR PROM! NOT A BIG DEAL!

Why is everyone fretting about it?!?!? I font care if I have a date or not! It's just a formal dance! Goodness gracious!!!

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Feb. 26th, 2010


Yes I am... Guess what? I have no clue for how long, and I don't think it matters, but whatever :P poo

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